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This page will be updated on a weekly basis, dependent on input from my friends and visitors to this page. If you have any new or favorite jokes/ stories, please send them to me for possible inclusion. Thank you!
Kely W. Jumps in the middle of the fray with this sampling of humor.
The cashier asks, "Oh these must for your Mom, huh?"
The nine year old shakes his head and replies," Nope,not for my Mom.
" Then for you sister?
Nine year old: "Nope not for my sister either.
"Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."
"Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you
can swim or ride a bike. And my little brother can't do either."
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You Need More Tail!"
The father stops and turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your Mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite."
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
A few months later, the young man meets a girl and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the dinner date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. And no one says a word......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word....
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word....
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears a thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
.....And the father says "O.K. dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Scroll down to your birthdate!
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like a volcano, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands..
COLLARDS Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of headaches.
CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
Donna C threw her hat into the middle of the mess to test the waters with this one!
The next day, the local newspaper carried this headline: "Priest's Ass Shows."
In its next race, the donkey won.
The paper said: "Priest's Ass Out In Front."
The Bishop got upset with this sort of publicity and ordered the priest to stop racing his donkey.
The paper's headline? "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass."
This was too much for the Bishop! He ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.
The priest gave it to a nun at the local convent.
The next day, the headlines read: "Nun Has Best Ass In Town."
When the Bishop recovered, he informed the nun that she too would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun found a farmer willing to pay her ten dollars for the animal.
The paper stated: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!"
The next day, they buried the Bishop.
The next few were forwarded by Tootsie - LOL
Ok?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He really is a good person with a kind heart.
We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show.
That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up. We would get married now but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it before hand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad! Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from.
Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter. Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know -- there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly..and socks, too!
P.S.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered....
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife.
And I can spend all night on the computer!"
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion, whether you ask for it or not.
Lets play
For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahoo.
For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Women?
A. The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A. "Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000
Q. What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and
beautiful?
A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius".
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000
Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A. Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000
Q. Why did the Moyel retire?
A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A. A fur coat.
For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian
Grandmother?
A. 10 lbs
"Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Editor's Note - Similar to "Some days you are the dog, some days you are the Hydrant."
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he *repaired* the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
He whined, "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway??"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning
and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror!!"
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
Nomad posted this one for everyone's enjoyment
The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex life, too. But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite enough, since he seldom lived longer than that anyway. Immediately, the man leaped up. "Can I have your extra ten years" he cried excitedly. "Of course," said the monkey graciously.
The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer. Twenty years of active sex life. The lion gravely shook his mane. "Mighty One," he roared, "I'm a monogamous animal; therefore, ten years will be enough for me." Again, the man stood up. "Can I have the lion's share also?" he asked eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down elated.
The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty years, he balked. "Sire," he brayed, "I want to reserve some time for eating sweet clover. Ten years is ample time for me. "The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. "I suppose you want his ten years as well?" Man smirked and nodded. "So be it," said the Creator and turned away.
And that is how it came to pass that man has twenty years of active sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself!!
Shakin Tree decided it was time to pick on the Blondes again
She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the cockpit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot.
The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
The balance of this week's jokes were stolen from the net!
"Terrible!"
"What happened?"
"Things were going so bad at work, I decided I just needed to get
out of the office and play a round of golf. I took George with me."
"That's too bad about the office, dear."
"Well, that's only the beginning."
"Oh, what else?"
"We got to the seventh hole, and George had a coronary!"
"Oh, my!"
"O yeah, then things really started going bad... it was hit the
ball, drag George... hit the ball, drag George."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the
house," the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his
house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here
are two bullets, I will give you this expensive scope for
free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head
off and shoot the guy's penis off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the
Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the
Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on
the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled
the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it . . ."
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Furniture Markdown Great Deals on furniture - Free Shipping! Y-Net Wireless Internet Denver area high speed wireless privider. Dog House Technologies Doghouse Techonologies is located in Tampa Bay FL and offer professional web design, ecommerce development and custom application design for the internet.Subject: "A Bit Drunk"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
Subject: "The Dinner Party"
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
Subject: "Active Sex Life"
When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside. "I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active sex life." Man was dismayed. "Only twenty years?" he protested. "Great One, that isn't enough. Can't you add a few more years?" But, the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man glumly sat down.
Subject: "Another Blonde Joke"
A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, "Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo..."
Subject: "A Terrible Day"
Wife to her exhausted husband returning home at the end of the day,
"How did the day go, dear?"
Subject: "The New Scope"
A man just got a big bonus check and decides to buy a very
expensive new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop,
and asks the clerk to show him the new scope. The clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so
good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
Subject: "One Final Blonde Joke"
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
Have a Nice Week!
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