1. I have to start somewhere.

2. If you listen, sometimes people tell you a LOT.

3. I have an invisible “I care!” sign flashing in neon letters above my head. It must be there, it would explain so much.

4. I like climate controlled environments.

5. Cats can produce their body weight in fur weekly, and shed twice as fast the day you vacuum.

6. My couch is actually darker than it appears, once you wipe the layer of cat hair off.

7. No matter how high you put the plants and flower arrangements, the cats will get them.

8. You can spend money on cat toys, and they will prefer your flower arrangements, twist ties, and pony tail holders. Crumpled aluminum foil works well too.

9. People get very excited and distressed when cats pee on them.

10. One thing more irritating than being peed on by a cat is being stuck in the car in that situation, for several hours, with the person next to you screaming “cat peed on me!” using every possible inflection. All the way from Ohio to Texas.

11. Breaking into your own house at the time you meet your new neighbors for the first time can be slightly embarrassing.

12. Being pushed through a window by a friend who doesn’t realize there are metal ridges impaling your midriff and is trying to slide you as if it is a flat surface instead of the window guide rail can HURT and leave HUGE bruises!

13. When one is stuck halfway into the dining room window it is not kitty play time. Nor is it a good time to suddenly get guard cat instincts and attack. Likewise it is not a good time to try to escape OUT the window the human is flailing about and trying to climb IN through.

14. One loses all sense of dignity when impaled on guide ridges and having a panic attack.

15. Bruises get even more exciting the next day.

16. Climbing through a window and trying to maneuver sideways using one’s leg against the window can leave a series of bruises that looks like a giant hand grabbed your leg. Now why couldn’t that spectacular effect have waited till Halloween?

17. I have now successfully broken into 6 homes, an office, and a church, all of which I was NOT supposed to have been locked out of!!

18. Bobby pins and butter knives can be very useful tools in desperate hands.

19. Licence plates can be used when breaking into our current apartment, it worked when my husband locked himself out. See? I’m not the ONLY one who gets locked out!!

20. When I have kids I may have trouble keeping them locked out of things....

21. When you take apart an alarm clock radio that has the flip numbers and put it back together with the numbers mis-aligned and you get the top half of the seven with the bottom half of the three, it looks really weird and your parents notice.

22. Never let an excited person who had never operated a VCR get near it with a tape. My dad shoved the Little Mermaid in upside down because he wanted to watch part of it again before we returned the tape that was due... and we had to take the VCR in for repairs.

23. My dad is weird. No. I mean REALLY weird.

24. My dad was nicknamed “the Martian” in college. And again at NASA. For a reason. He REALLY is REALLY weird!!

25. I’m weird too. But not as eccentric.

26. I am a Weirdness Magnet. This has been established repeatedly by the people drawn into my life. People who live in their parents’ basements REALLY like me.

27. After living in my last apartment, I am thrilled with little things people take for granted, like having no graphitti on the walls, having insulation IN the walls, having the pipes in the bathroom and shower neatly contained IN the walls and cabinets, having the hot and cold water flowing in ONE faucet instead of separate... just a few things like that.

28. I had a dream about my old apartment and there was a wall missing with a sheet hanging down waving in the wind, and the landlord was saying “oh, we can fix that right up with a little putty.”

29. I’m happy to have moved this time, even if the place is smaller.

30. Going to a movie where there is an ambulance scene soon after your date left for the bathroom, and then having the usher come in during that scene and escort you to the bathroom where you get to hold your date’s IV bag and tube while they prep him for the ambulance is a VERY weird coincidence....

31. Having your date have an allergy reaction during a movie after eating sushi can be an awful lot of excitement for one night.

32. Even when he says not to, CALL HIS MOTHER when he’s lying in the hospital bed in the emergency room turning funny colors and shaking all over. Him mother will want to be there and he’ll get yelled at afterwards for NOT calling her....

33. I don’t particularly like the emergency room.

34. People in the ambulance are nice to you even when you throw up.

35. I have been present at the emergency room far too often for my liking in the past 5 years. Only once was it ME in the ambulance though.

36. I have had what could be called an exciting life.

37. Thank goodness the excitement doesn’t all come at once.

38. Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

39. Expecially don’t go grocery shopping when you are so hungry and tired you become delirious and exhausted and suddenly sit down on the floor in the middle of the aisle.

40. Toaster ovens do NOT have the same heating and timing that works for regular ovens and you see printed on the boxes for pizza and other bake-in-the-oven pre-prepared foods.

41. When heating taco shells in toaster ovens, it is wise to CONSANTLY supervise the toasting process.

42. When heating taco shells in toaster ovens, it is wise to turn on an air vent or open a window to be certain of good ventilation in the toasting area.

43. When heating taco shells in a toaster oven, it is better to select a low “toasting” setting than to attempt to heat the oven to 350 degrees and bake the shells the reccommended 10-12 minutes.

44. Taco shells heated 10 minutes in a toaster oven set at 350 degrees become quite charred and for all practical purposes inedible, unless you are desperate and/or don’t mind a high carbon diet.

45. When the toaster oven is ALREADY heated, things will toast much faster than if you start with a cold, unused oven.

46. Maybe there is a reason that, while growing up, my mother did not ever attempt to toast taco shells until we discovered instructions on the box and talked her into it.

47. I DO like toasty taco shells better than raw ones. They are crispy and cruncy instead of merely HARD, and when you chew the sharp edges crumble instead of stabbing.

48. The tropical “fruit” known as Breadfruit is, despite its designated Fruit status, NOT something that is eaten raw. It must be baked for several hours in an oven or fire pit until soft and mushy. THEN it is edible and quite tasty.

49. Eating raw breadfruit is like eating green wood. It is possible to gnaw off a bit of “string” like celery has, and then pull that part away from the main section of breadfruit that has been cut like a melon in the laughable delusion that it is a fruit and therefore can be eaten raw.

50. People who know better will laugh themselves into hysterics upon hearing that you have attempted to eat raw breadfruit.

51. I learned many useful facts, such as that breadfruit is inedible raw, while living for 2 and a half years in Hawaii. I unfortunately did not learn to swim till we had moved away. Just dog paddle.

52. Playing in the ocean when one can only dog paddle makes being flipped upside down by waves even more exhillarating.

53. You can find many interesting object on beaches. Quite a few of which you should not touch.

54. There is an aquatic creature that is named Smelt. It has that name for a reason.

55. Smelt stinks. When my mother attempted to cook it it smelled so bad the neighbors called and demanded we stop creating that terrible smell. They even threatened to call the police. I learned that people subjected to terrible smells may make irrational demands.

56. Crayons left near the hot air vents can melt into the carpet. While this can create fascinating designs, it is not reccommended as a floor treatment by any of the home improvement and do it yourself decorating shows. Nor do I believe it ever will be.

57. When making candles, I discovered that using kite string for a wick does not work. Apparantly the wick must be a string that has been treated with wax or something soaked into it to make it burn. Having a candle that doesn’t work can be frustrating when you’re 8 years old and just ruined a pot with wax and used all of your purple crayon to dye it.

58. Dogs sometimes leave presents in your yard that are actually good quality items you can keep and use. My mother came into the possession of a nice suede leather purse with fringe in this manner.

59. When I was about 6-7 years old, my mother came to the realization that her solid box purse made of wood and covered with formica was NOT kid friendly, as it was at head level to her children. After rediscovering this several times, she switched to the soft leather purse the dog brought her. I learned from her experience. And my sore head every time I walked into the box purse.

60. It is not a good idea to put the pens in the bank that are fastened with strings INTO your purse and attempt to walk off. My mother did this and her purse broke and spilled all over the floor.

61. If we couldn’t find ANYTHING to write with when I was growing up, we would go look in my mother’s purse. We would find all the missing pens. Fortunately she is only a klepto with writing instruments, as she automatically puts them in her purse when she is finished using them.

62. If you accidentally steal pens, your stand partner in orchestra will watch you like a hawk every time you use theirs to make notations in the music.

63. Roach and termite swarms can be very spectacular to experience in person, but they are much better when recounted later, by someone else, or seen in the movies.

64. Standing on top of a chair and screaming is not a good way to wait out a roach swarm.

65. When roaches are swarming, it is a very good idea to keep one’s mouth tightly closed and protect one’s nose and ears as best possible. Flailing one’s arms about leaves ones head vulnerable. And screaming, obviously, leaves one’s mouth wide open.

66. Swarming roaches are attracted to open mouths, regardless of how loudly one is screaming.

67. I do NOT enjoy the experience of large 2 inch roaches in my mouth.

68. I do not enjoy hundreds of termites dropping onto me from the ceiling, covering my bed and floor.

69. I do not enjoy roaches lurking in the corner of the ceiling of the bathroom, waiting to fly down and land on me as I shower, blissfully unaware of their presence till they attack.

70. I am glad the place I live in now does not have a lot of roaches. And I want to keep it that way.